Friday, August 28, 2009


It's been great, but right now, I'm not going to talk about the great stuff.

Today, My mom told me that when I start regular school, I can't dress like me anymore. I was upset and while she checked me and a little while after I was crying. I talked to Miranda and felt better, until the car ride. I felt myself getting close to them, and I was thinking about how that might be a bad thing, when they started commenting on my lack of talkativeness. Paul, being well, Paul, had to announce that I hated them all, which made me feel horrible because that's what I was thinking about. Everyone got after him, but it still hurt. Then no one really talked to me. After lunch, Paul started again, but we went to the SLC Library and I got split into a different group with Jax and Beth. Beth and I talked books, and Jax joined in a bit until our scavenger hunt, which I pretty much did, was over and we won. Then Miranda, who usually makes me happy watched Alex walk past me. Maybe I'm a creep but he smells really really good, and it stays in the winde behind him, so I sniffed the air a little. She called me a creep. We went to the van and Beth said she wanted to sit by me in the back and talk books. Miranda would have to move up and she was mad, so she took it out on me

"maddi's never riddin in the front"
"beths moving to tlak to her"
"who is going to"
"Not me"
I said "I"ll do it"
sarcastically "Yay. Good for you. loser"

end with me cryin the whole way and home and no one noticing.

So right now, I just really want a mani/pedi and some nails. I want to relax and ignore them, and not do my homework. But I really want to get my nails done this weekend, and relax. And I have to work all day tomorrow. Joy.

See you when it's over.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Day That I Die

Tomorrow we find out if they are going to send me to Day Treatment, or to Residential Treatment for the next 2+ years. I'm def scared. I know I won't be going to school for a while, and my mom says there is a possibility that I may have to graduate a year later than my peers, which is ok I guess. At least then I will be 18 when I graduate instead of 17. With Day Treatment if I complete my treatment fast enough, I may be able to make up any credits that I miss to graduate at the same time as my peers.

Honestly, graduation and school seem so inconsequential compared to facing 2+ years in a mental hospital away from my family. Cade would be 18 by the time I get out, if that doesn't tell you something, it ought to.

As for graduating with people my age, or people I know my age, I could care less. For the most part, I find that the people my age can't handle my problems and so I can't make very good lasting relationships.

The biggest thing that scares me is not going to Res, although that would suck. It's that this is going to get worse. It's that I won't be ok, until I'm 20 or 30. If the doctors diagnosis is correct and this is "emerging" BPD, then I am going to get much much worse. With 2 attempts on my record, and BPD having the highest suicide rate, plus the fact it's not going to get better for 6+ years, that's a scary thought, even when you don't want to think about.

Another huge downside to Res, besides that they are so expensive, is that Kelly and Jamie just had twins (yay them!!) and If I go, I won't be able to meet them until they are 2+, after I get out.

My parents want Day Treatment, as do I, but Dr. Goldstein thinks that Residential Treatment would be better for me.

It has the highest rate of helpfulness for people with BPD, and even then it's not very high. In fact, most all forms of treatment don't work very well.

Of Course, if you haven't already heard all of this, you haven't read my mom's blog.

But obviously, I do not want to spend 2+ years away from home. In that time, my family may move, which means I would never see this house again, or my room.

For those who don't know, I took 14 pills, or 700 mg, of a anti-depressant, that works as my sleep aid. In other words, I took 700 mg of sleeping pills.

So tomorrow is the day that I die (go to res) or live (day treatment).

I say that, because not seeing my family or being home for so long is like a little death for me, a little death inside me.