Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Putting a name on it......Maybe

Putting a name on it......Maybe

Since I was little I have struggled with my Makae/Hagatha-ness. I was makae, the sweetie pie, and Hagatha, the bad girl. I was like the little girl with a girl, when I was good, I was very good, and vice versa. My mom came across a New York Times article,, about Borderline Personality Disorder. W read through the symptoms. They include

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable relationships
  • unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
  • Easily set off or triggered
Hmm, any of those sound familiar????? They sure do to me!! These almost perfectly describe my behavior, not only in my teens, while it has become more intense, but also when I was a younger child. The article goes into more detail about it, but looking at it all, it seems to fit. Were going to contact Cade's old Neurophyscology doctor, Dr. Goldstein and see what he says.

This would explain a ton of problems I have. The bipolar-ness, the sad-ness, the angry-ness, the incapability to make and keep friends for a long time, the impulsivity (such as sneaking out late at night for no reason), and just about everything else. It would also explain why I seem to have ruined alot of friendships, why I get extremely angry and say horrible things and then calm down and am terribly sorry. The best part of discovering this, besides putting a name on it, is that I can finally get treatment for it!

That probably sounds like, ahem, she's crazy, she wants treatment, but as hard as it is to stop, I don't want to have these issues. I want to be a happy person. Finally

Borderline Personality Disorder, Or BPD. There is the name. Let's hope it's the right one.

Living lonely

I'm living, I'm back in life, but I'm lonely. I have reached out to a couple of my friends, and they have had some excuse. One didn't even have the decency to call to tell me she wasn't coming and sent it through my brother. Everyone is busy, everyone has a life, everyone sees friends and hangs out and enjoys themselves. The closest thing I have had is an almost hang out with a friend. I have only seen my friends the two times I went back to school since I got back from UNI, I haven't hung out with anyone besides older people and courtney, and I'm getting sick of it. I don't see anyone I don't talk to anyone, I don't have any friends my age really, except for a couple of people I can send letters to as my ONLY source of communication. LETTERS! That's all. And my wonderful cousin Courtney, but she also has her own life, she's busy she's got friends, and she lives a good twenty minutes away.

I've tried. I've called people. I've e-mailed, I've left messages, I've sent messages through my brother, and still I haven't really seen anyone. It used to be I was on the phone with someone every night and I hung out with someone at LEAST twice a week, and I didn't want to go to dance so that I could hang out with my friends. Now I don't hang out, I've have called my friends a total of like six times, and I love dance because there is ONE girl there who I am KIND OF friends with. That's it. I write in my journal, I think about my UNI friends alot, I IMAGINE seeing my other friends, but I never do. It's like I am the one person left in my circle of friends, and I'm trying to build a new one from HOMESCHOOL with people I can't even TALK to.

I'm trying to get a party going, but I don't know who will come if anyone will and the people I know will come, I'm not sure if I'm even ALLOWED to invite them. So yeah, I'm alive, I'm getting back into life, Things are going better, but it still sucks.



It's logical that my parents don't think I should have my UNI friends, but I still miss them like crazy. One of my Bff's dished the gossip about my location to about 30 people who then sent it around the school and then some. I got angry and so did she, so currently my only friends are 1) a boy I've only met through text, 2) a bunch of really amazing people I can't talk to, and 3) my family. The boy isn't much of a talker and I can't text him (Phone shut off x_x), I obviously can't to talk to my amazing friends, and my Family, uh yeah right. They are so going to be the people I want to go to the mall with. NOT.
The problem isn't loneliness though. I can live with it, but I just really miss my main friends there. Conner, Jess, Meg, Bob, and me were inseparable, and at least two of us were always together. We supported each other, we helped each other get out, we helped stop each others tears. We had two main songs we liked to listen to at UNI. One was called "Petals" and it is just a short thing that Meg and I came up with and they had me sing all the time, and the second was a catchy but rather inappropriate rap song. Everyone wanted to read whatever I was currently writing, we were always doing puzzles and playing favorites. This is something we came up with were the first person asks what a single person's favorite something is, and the first person to get it right got to pick someone. We tossed balls back and forth, we played a lot of mini football, we listened to music as much as possible, we talked about our lives outside of Uni, we played card games, and most of all, we knew the most sensitive info about each other and helped each other with it.
Meg was my roommate and one of the most amazing people ever to live. She was fun and silly and really easy to talk to. She helped me write some and she was the one that broke the rules, one time when I was sobbing uncontrollably, and hugged me until the tears stopped. She was really good at cards and loved music.
Conner was a great friend who really supported me and tried to get me to believe in myself. He loved to do odd dances like "Water" and "glow-stick" but it was really cool. He was more into dancing than anything else and he was really funny.
Jess was the person I supported the most. she was really fun and had a lot of good ideas. She could talk for forever and she had really cute style. She was amazing.
Bob. My BEST friend at UNI. I told him everything and he helped me. Everyone has someone standing behind them every step of the way to getting out, whether staff, patient, or doctor. Mine was a patient who really helped me. He was funny about his hair. He had to have it wet and he shook it like a dog. It made us all laugh. He was good at cards, and he was the only person who ever got it right on me when playing favorites. He helped me with puzzles and would be the one telling me to stop lying when I seemed ok but I really wasn't. He made me get out there and help myself. He said a lot of things that I have taken to heart. He is great
Most of all, the people there became like family to me and now when I can't talk to them it feels like a part of my life, a part of my happiness has been ripped away from me and I can't stand it. I missed them so much that I hummed and sang Petals 45 times today and wrote poems about them each. I hope I get to see them eventually because I really love them and They are amazing people. They are the people I wanted to call when me and Kam fought. I just really miss them and really want to see them. I wonder if maybe I shouldn't have let myself get so close to them. Maybe I should have stayed aloof where this not seeing them and not knowing them wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe, I should have never even tried to get to know them, and I shouldn't have let them closer into my life, past the shield I put everyone else outside of. Maybe making friends isn't a good idea for me. I always lose them somehow. Maybe I should never let anyone get close enough to hurt me when I lose them.

Suicide and UNI

Ok, so most of you, being my family, now I tried to commit suicide on Tuesday the 24th. I took over 300 mg of anti-depressants. I chickened out and told my mom, who took me to the hospital. I was then admitted into a Neurophyscology center called UNI. I was there from 1 am Wednesday the 25th until 10 am Thursday the 2. I have to say this was very different from home. We woke up at 7:30 and had our blood pressure and temperature taken, and turned in some paperwork about how we had been feeling in the last day or so. Then we went to breakfast and were in group therapy most of the day. Family (My parents decided who) could visit during lunch and dinner and on Wednesdays there is a family group therapy. We went to bed at ten, unless you were a level 4, then you could stay in the day room until 10:30. Lights out when level 4s came to bed, and then it would all start all over again.
While there I was assigned a Staff, or someone to help me, everyday. I was also assigned a team, which was Dyana, my social worker, Dr. Reinflesh, my doctor, and Doctor Kahn, My therapist. These were the people who would decide when I got to go home. I was assigned a roommate, who I became really close with, and group and a schedule. It seemed very hectic and frightening, but actually, It was really calm and very helpful.
I came home yesterday, and still don't know if I'm going back to regular school, and I really actually miss UNI. My friends there, the staff, the day room, the doctors, everything. It's so weird to be home and not be with the people I have been so close to for a week. My Bffs there were Megan, Jess, Jessica, Randy, Kieran, Marcus, Conner, Teylor, Reed, and Roobb. The last two are staff, more specifically mine, but most of the others are patients. I will be able to keep in touch with them, but the one I miss the most, Is Bob. Kieran always went by Bob, and he was my very closest friend there. He was the one that would make me feel better after a DISASTEROUS visit, and he was the one that made me open up to the group and really work on my treatment there. He is also the one that made me get up and sing in front of the entire group several times. He was a great friend and I might be able to find him through Megan and Jess, but I really miss him.
Coming home, I didn't wake up until 7:30, and I was very confused on where I was. I am so used to Meg sleeping on the other side of the room and Jimmy Neutron (Roobb) walking through the hall saying "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, it's time to get up and have your vitals checked." that when I woke up in my own yellow room with my dad at the door saying "Time to wake up" That I nearly bolted and I was freaked out. Then I remembered that I was home and that UNI was in Salt Lake. I woke up and went through the same schedule, without the vitals and paperwork. It felt very odd.
At UNI, I think I really figured out alot of things that were not being very helpful to me, and that part of the reason my life has been so hard for me is myself. I have made it harder and I realized how I could change that. Most of my thinking and figuring things out didn't happen until I was placed on IDP. This is Inside Development Plan and it's basically where you have to write essays all day and can't leave your room or talk to anyone but staff and your treatment team. It was really hard, but It was really helpful.
I don't know if my parents have noticed, but since I have been back, I am alot less talkative. I think this mostly comes from something Bob said to me. "Your words need to mean something, otherwise it's just another thing your saying that nobody really listens to, especially when you dodge around your own point. People get sick of it." He said this to me while I was refusing to talk in CORE group and talking constantly during free time. I thought about it and it's true. If you just talk to talk, there is no point to your words, but If your words have meanings behind them, there is a point and more people will listen. After that I opened up in group, and I talked less in freetime, but I still talked and still had fun. I learned some card games as well as some other ways to relieve stress and calm down for a while. We had groups, like CORE, where you worked and tried to figure important issues in your life out. We also had groups where it was just everyone bringing up issues at UNI, Like A.M. Community. We had groups where it was relaxing and relieving stress, Like Music Therapy. We had groups where we learned things, Like Pysch Tech. We had alot of groups and all of them taught us something.
Most importantly was CORE group. That is, as my friend Kacee said, where we get to the Core of things and really solve our problems. I know that in this group I learned alot about myself, how to deal with things, and possible problems that could come up and how to deal with them. This was a really important group and it was the most helpful for me.
We also had a levels system. When you first arrived you are 1-a, and then everyday if you have less than three zeros, for innappropriate behavior, talking out of tunr, etc., then you would move up. At level four you have 4 x1 4x2 and then you are the highest you can be, VIP. Very Important Patient, and you have the maximum freedom available at UNI, which isn't much, but it doesn't have to be much because while there it seems like a lot.
UNI helped me and I made real friends there who I know will stick by me, but I don't want to go back. I think I've done what I need to do, and now I'm going to do what I need to do, and going back to UNI is not on that list.



Moving: Am I Ready??

No. That is the straight forward, simple answer. I am not ready to move. I don't want to. Maybe I Should think about moving, leaving, packing up, and not seeing everyone Either A) as often or B) ever again. JUST thinking about leaving my SCHOOL makes me sad, so what happens when I leave my HOME and my FAMILY and EVERYTHING ELSE. I've been outside a lot lately, even with the cold and the warm, just walking around South Weber listening to my Ipod. I have grown up on this street, running on it, learning to ride a bike, learning to ride a rip-stick, a scooter, most all of my birthday parties were here. I have grown up walking around this house. Sure, it's different.....Actually, it's really different, but it's still the house I came to after leaving the hospital, and the one I have come home to almost every day after school, the one where I sleep Sunday through Friday and Most weekends to, the one where I do homework, the one where I LIVE. Easter, Christmas, Halloween, Even SAINT PATRICK'S day have all been here, every year for the last 13 almost 14 years. I can't imagine them anyplace else, any other way. And the worst part is, I don't want to imagine them that way. I want to keep them this way. I don't want to leave Sheree, and Kam, and My friends, and move far away from my family, and From Ashley, from the park I have had millions of Saturday picnics in, away from the place that I have always been. The places that are important to me. Heck, even my first KISS was in South Weber!!!! My First CRUSH lives a block away! My first best friend still goes to church with me. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE i love is here, or close enough that I consider them here. I'm not ready to leave all that behind. I'm not ready to find a new best friend, and relearn my Address and my Phone number and I'm not ready to start a new school without these people that I know and I'm especially not ready to LEAVE. It's just so final. To Leave. To be gone. To move on. It's like leaving everything I have to start a new life, one that could go any which way. I could be popular, I could be the loser no one talks to, I could be the Class NERD for Pete's sake. And I like my little niche Here. The one that I have carved Here. At sunset, in South Weber, with my family nearby, my friends, my LIFE. Walking through the same malls, seeing movies at the same places, eating at all the same restaurants. It's not just something I WANT to let go of, something I WANT to leave. It's a fact, were moving, were leaving, and I HATE that fact. I can't stand it. I don't want to leave.



I got a new book called cut. My mom said it sounded to dark but let me get it anyways. It was about a girl who self-harmed through cutting with her mothers crafting exacto knife. She was sent to a self-help center to try to get better. The book is about how she deals with things in her life, and what she does at 'Sea Pines' Or as her roommate calls it Sick Minds. After reading it for a second time (just for fun) I started to think. Obviously you all know I had a problem with this earlier in the year and a bit of last year. She was silent and drew back into her self. She wouldn't let anyone understand her. I began to think, as she revealed why she had started cutting, why I started. The first time I was on the phone with a guy I went out with. He made me very sad, and at the time i didn't have nay medication so I was depressed. I took a sharp kitchen knife with a green handle and cut my palm. I continued, now on my left arm, to do this until my mom started to notice. My friends noticed and they started telling the counselors. After thinking over my own experience I remembered something else. A couple of the other people I hung out with cut themselves also. They liked to think of us as 'cutters' but I preferred not to think of it. After a while, when I got really down or felt alone, I would threaten to kill my self to my friends. The days that I did this, the next day I would always have a new cut. Soon enough they realized these threats were empty and they began to ignore them and think I was nuts. In this time I had started taking depression pills, and soon after I was seeing a counselor named Joy. I saw Joy for about half a year I think, until she left the office and my parents felt I was well enough to take me out.

My life at school was so dramatic and though I had friends, I think most of them were bad influences. If you didn't have a boyfriend, you weren't cool enough. If you didn't cut and tell, you had problems. basically, for that year, my happiness depended on whether I had a boyfriend and the most friends. It was very material, and stupid. All through out this time, my parents were worried about me and trying ot help me, and I had other friends who would still stand behind me when I was single, and try to help me instead of hurt me when I began to cut again. A highlight in these girls, was Kambrea, still is. When I got dumped which i did alot, she would sit and tell m e I was better than the guy and that I was so young, and he was so immature, what was the point. She listen to my problems and help me as much as possible. Also, my parent were there. They were confused, and probably a bit scared of what I was doing, maybe even a little disgusted, but worried most of all. Many times, I know my mom has lost lots of sleep worrrying over what was going on,

After that year, they decided that Home-school would be the best route to put me in. I would be away from the influences that helped cause this, away from the drama. They often watched me over the weekends and saw I was much happier away from school, away from the drama. At the same time, they would be a little closer to me, if not mentally, then physically, and they could make sure I wasn't going to breakdown and cut again. I still have scars on my arms. My cousin keeps telling me to rub vitamin E oil on it and they will go away, but I don't think I want them to. I think I want them to stay, lightly, but there, so that when I look closely, I can remember, Ican see the stupid thing that I did and never do it again. I can see the light D carved into my skin, and think about how stupid it was, to get so upset over something so pointless. I want them there to remind me, no dark and heavy so that I can't wear short sleeves, but there to remind me of my seventh grade year, and the stupid choices I made. The year I wish I could take back, but at the same time, I'm glad it happened, because though it wasn't easy, and by far it didn't make me grow up and see the world as it really is, Through it I gained a little bit more of a testimony, I gained a little bit maturity, and most of all, I can finally see, that I can't control the world, and i can't live like the world, but I CAN be me, I can control me. I can't control it if someone loses interest and dumps me, but I can control my reaction. I can't control whether or not someone asks me out again before I turn sixteen, but I can control me.

Bad memories, with a good ending in a way. That's what the light marks on my arm will always be to me. I can't take back that year, I can't undo those mistakes, but I can try never to make them again, and I can finally see how bad what I did to myself was, and how hard it was for my family to stand by and watch while I pushed them away, how hard it was for kambrea to grab my arm and suddenly let go when she felt a new cut, how hard it was for her not to yell at me ans scream and cry until I stopped, I finally see that I hurt someone else, not just me. That what I was doing was hurting someone else, in a way I refused to see.

Sick - of school!

I know, I know! I'm home sick and we only have ten days left, but I am still sick of school. It bugs! Mostly it is the people at school, not the actual school, but there is a little bit of that too. I think my math teacher gives to much homework, especially for weekends. Other than that, all of my classes are just goof time. Which sucks, because of the number of Catty girls and rumors that go around. My school happens to be, in my opinion, the most dramatic Junior High any person could possibly live through. And it isn't just the stuff about me that bugs. Some people were calling my friend the "BFG" I asked them what it meant and they replied, "Big Fat Giant. We wanted to say big fat ugly giant but it didn't work out. Neither did big ugly giant or BUG." That made me Mad! Also, almost all the girls in my gym class pick on my friend Joanna. She is bigger and kind of shy. She came to the school about two months ago and these "popular" girls have made her life a living nightmare, the only problem is she can't pinch herself awake! They have started Evey rumor imaginable about her. They have also done horrible things in gym, and lied to the gym teacher, Ms. Nick, so she almost got kicked out of the class. She has spent every lunch period surround by girls picking on her for about 5 minutes, then spends the rest of the period hiding out in Gumbrecht's room with me and her friends. She never takes off her jacket, because when she does the girls call her fat, ugly, and hairy. She has darker skin and black hair, therefore her hair is darker. They tease her and call her horrid names. She ends up crying everyday for at least two or more periods. She doesn't have very many friends. I even get teased for staying friends with her and not being rude to her! I don't care what people say, Joanna is my friend. I have found a few of my friends are in every one of her classes, and though they don't like her, they are my friends and good people, so they stick up for her when I'm not around.

I am tired of my friends being picked on!

It has been fun having grandma watch us for the last few days. She is pretty fun and not to strict. We ran out of airheads and she restocked us and had The Gibson's come over yesterday. It was fun. Mostly she makes sure we do the things were supposed to, like homework and keeping our rooms clean, makes sure she knows where we are, and makes sure we are all fed and to bed on time. She cleaned out dad's office so now we only have to do two things. Move it into his other office (or into storage) and get new carpet! I don't know if you can tell on her blog, but the carpet is creepy! It's scares little children! On Tuesday for Young Women's, my group went to a soup kitchen at 5:45 and I didn't know, so I went with Ashley's group who did a very tiring and invigorating lap around South Weber on bikes and then got ice cream bars at Ray's. We went back around dropping everyone off till it was just me and Ashley. I rode up to Ashley's house then came home and had a shower! After that, I needed one. On Monday night we went to my concert. It was fun, but it was way long. I played pretty well and got my graduating certificate. My teacher is always having car troubles, so she thinks so much of us for putting up with her car. The seniors who are leaving gave her flowers, a poem written by one of them, and a remote control car. They said it was all they could afford! LOL! It was so funny. All in all it has been a fun week so far with grandma here. Hope mom and dad are having fun in Epcot (those stinkers)!

2 horrible days

I already posted about my stupid bus driver's rules. Well, today after school I came back to my locker to find my stuff littering the floor. I turned to my locker partner and asked her what the heck was going on, then I noticed Aleanndra putting her stuff in my spot and using half of my stuff. They told me to get out, Aleanndra was moving in, and they were keeping my stuff. I grabbed my stuff, and in a haze of tears, found my way to Kambrea's locker. Kam has no locker partner so I moved in, and grabbed all my stuff back out of the locker and used it more MY new locker. So Today I was kicked out of my own locker and I had to get in a new one that i can't ever get the com right to. I would say I have a reason to be mad. Then Aleanndra came in and opened "her" locker and noticed my stuff gone, she chased me around the school, swearing at me and smacking me with her jacket, and tell the Vice that we were playing. Kam came to my rescue and swatted Aleanndra hard on the back with her own jacket and grabbed my stuff. We made a run for it and Aleanndra's ride arrived. The late bus came and I hid in the back corner of the bus, very hurt. That hurt. BAD. Ouch.