School, finally, and more!

ok, grandma, you have been begging for this post, so here we go.

School is great. I go at 7:15 and my mom checks me in. I usually have a nummy breakfast of french toast or eggs, and then we all head down to the Catalyst room. THis is where we do school. We work at our on pace on our own packets with whatever help we need until 10:30.

BREAK TIME!!! WE sing and play guitar and talk during break, and we get yummy snacks. Then Pam comes in and we do health. We recently did ME books for health. Right now we are doing essays on some sort of problem behavior. I think I'll do mine on BPD, just to get a better understanding on it.

After that we go to lunch. WE have really good food, but every tuesday at around 12:30 we go to the hospital and eat there. SOO MUCH BETTER!!!! and that is saying alot, cuz we have GOOOD food. I have an oreo shake every day :).

Then we go back to school. Tuesdays to Thursdays at around 2 we have gym. We play soccer, frisbee, basketball, and even four square. It's way fun. Then we have some kind of group, whether it is Therapuetic Recreation, Proccessing, or Mental Health. I learn somethin every day in these. Processing is what it sounds like. Processing everything and talking about it. Mental Health is the same, and TR is like gym, but with a moral.

We always have one more group and get out at five, except Tuesdays and Fridays. Tuesdays that it's and fridays are special.

Fridays we go on field trips. This week we went bowling at fat cats.

Now for the MORE

Miranda wears pony bead bracelets and I love them. So I decided to get some pony beads and make some. I have about twelve now and they are so cute.

I haven't had any time for WoW, so I don't know how much I'll play that, except on non busy weekends. Also on that, Kelly is never on. WHich is GREAT for his wife and babies, but it has killed my leveling system.

I am going to get back into playing the VIOLA! I asked my teacher for some music and we will see what comes of it.

THat's all for now

"Each day is a gift, and not a given right"

--Maddi

School

It's been great, but right now, I'm not going to talk about the great stuff.

Today, My mom told me that when I start regular school, I can't dress like me anymore. I was upset and while she checked me and a little while after I was crying. I talked to Miranda and felt better, until the car ride. I felt myself getting close to them, and I was thinking about how that might be a bad thing, when they started commenting on my lack of talkativeness. Paul, being well, Paul, had to announce that I hated them all, which made me feel horrible because that's what I was thinking about. Everyone got after him, but it still hurt. Then no one really talked to me. After lunch, Paul started again, but we went to the SLC Library and I got split into a different group with Jax and Beth. Beth and I talked books, and Jax joined in a bit until our scavenger hunt, which I pretty much did, was over and we won. Then Miranda, who usually makes me happy watched Alex walk past me. Maybe I'm a creep but he smells really really good, and it stays in the winde behind him, so I sniffed the air a little. She called me a creep. We went to the van and Beth said she wanted to sit by me in the back and talk books. Miranda would have to move up and she was mad, so she took it out on me

"maddi's never riddin in the front"
"beths moving to tlak to her"
"FINE MADDI WON"T SIT THERE"
"who is going to"
"Not me"
I said "I"ll do it"
sarcastically "Yay. Good for you. loser"

end with me cryin the whole way and home and no one noticing.

So right now, I just really want a mani/pedi and some nails. I want to relax and ignore them, and not do my homework. But I really want to get my nails done this weekend, and relax. And I have to work all day tomorrow. Joy.

See you when it's over.

--Maddi

The Day That I Die

Tomorrow we find out if they are going to send me to Day Treatment, or to Residential Treatment for the next 2+ years. I'm def scared. I know I won't be going to school for a while, and my mom says there is a possibility that I may have to graduate a year later than my peers, which is ok I guess. At least then I will be 18 when I graduate instead of 17. With Day Treatment if I complete my treatment fast enough, I may be able to make up any credits that I miss to graduate at the same time as my peers.

Honestly, graduation and school seem so inconsequential compared to facing 2+ years in a mental hospital away from my family. Cade would be 18 by the time I get out, if that doesn't tell you something, it ought to.

As for graduating with people my age, or people I know my age, I could care less. For the most part, I find that the people my age can't handle my problems and so I can't make very good lasting relationships.

The biggest thing that scares me is not going to Res, although that would suck. It's that this is going to get worse. It's that I won't be ok, until I'm 20 or 30. If the doctors diagnosis is correct and this is "emerging" BPD, then I am going to get much much worse. With 2 attempts on my record, and BPD having the highest suicide rate, plus the fact it's not going to get better for 6+ years, that's a scary thought, even when you don't want to think about.

Another huge downside to Res, besides that they are so expensive, is that Kelly and Jamie just had twins (yay them!!) and If I go, I won't be able to meet them until they are 2+, after I get out.

My parents want Day Treatment, as do I, but Dr. Goldstein thinks that Residential Treatment would be better for me.

It has the highest rate of helpfulness for people with BPD, and even then it's not very high. In fact, most all forms of treatment don't work very well.

Of Course, if you haven't already heard all of this, you haven't read my mom's blog.


But obviously, I do not want to spend 2+ years away from home. In that time, my family may move, which means I would never see this house again, or my room.

For those who don't know, I took 14 pills, or 700 mg, of a anti-depressant, that works as my sleep aid. In other words, I took 700 mg of sleeping pills.

So tomorrow is the day that I die (go to res) or live (day treatment).

I say that, because not seeing my family or being home for so long is like a little death for me, a little death inside me.


Signed

Maddi

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm going to see Dr. Goldstein in Salt Lake City, and we will probably receive, if not a diagnosis, then at least a reference to another who will diagnose me. Kinda scared and nervous, but all excited and hoping this is right

Putting a name on it......Maybe

Putting a name on it......Maybe

Since I was little I have struggled with my Makae/Hagatha-ness. I was makae, the sweetie pie, and Hagatha, the bad girl. I was like the little girl with a girl, when I was good, I was very good, and vice versa. My mom came across a New York Times article, http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/health/16brod.html?_r=1, about Borderline Personality Disorder. W read through the symptoms. They include

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable relationships
• unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
• Easily set off or triggered
  

Hmm, any of those sound familiar????? They sure do to me!! These almost perfectly describe my behavior, not only in my teens, while it has become more intense, but also when I was a younger child. The article goes into more detail about it, but looking at it all, it seems to fit. Were going to contact Cade's old Neurophyscology doctor, Dr. Goldstein and see what he says.

This would explain a ton of problems I have. The bipolar-ness, the sad-ness, the angry-ness, the incapability to make and keep friends for a long time, the impulsivity (such as sneaking out late at night for no reason), and just about everything else. It would also explain why I seem to have ruined alot of friendships, why I get extremely angry and say horrible things and then calm down and am terribly sorry. The best part of discovering this, besides putting a name on it, is that I can finally get treatment for it!

That probably sounds like, ahem, she's crazy, she wants treatment, but as hard as it is to stop, I don't want to have these issues. I want to be a happy person. Finally

Borderline Personality Disorder, Or BPD. There is the name. Let's hope it's the right one.

Living lonely

Living lonely

I'm living, I'm back in life, but I'm lonely. I have reached out to a couple of my friends, and they have had some excuse. One didn't even have the decency to call to tell me she wasn't coming and sent it through my brother. Everyone is busy, everyone has a life, everyone sees friends and hangs out and enjoys themselves. The closest thing I have had is an almost hang out with a friend. I have only seen my friends the two times I went back to school since I got back from UNI, I haven't hung out with anyone besides older people and courtney, and I'm getting sick of it. I don't see anyone I don't talk to anyone, I don't have any friends my age really, except for a couple of people I can send letters to as my ONLY source of communication. LETTERS! That's all. And my wonderful cousin Courtney, but she also has her own life, she's busy she's got friends, and she lives a good twenty minutes away.

I've tried. I've called people. I've e-mailed, I've left messages, I've sent messages through my brother, and still I haven't really seen anyone. It used to be I was on the phone with someone every night and I hung out with someone at LEAST twice a week, and I didn't want to go to dance so that I could hang out with my friends. Now I don't hang out, I've have called my friends a total of like six times, and I love dance because there is ONE girl there who I am KIND OF friends with. That's it. I write in my journal, I think about my UNI friends alot, I IMAGINE seeing my other friends, but I never do. It's like I am the one person left in my circle of friends, and I'm trying to build a new one from HOMESCHOOL with people I can't even TALK to.

I'm trying to get a party going, but I don't know who will come if anyone will and the people I know will come, I'm not sure if I'm even ALLOWED to invite them. So yeah, I'm alive, I'm getting back into life, Things are going better, but it still sucks.

Maddi

Missing

Missing

It's logical that my parents don't think I should have my UNI friends, but I still miss them like crazy. One of my Bff's dished the gossip about my location to about 30 people who then sent it around the school and then some. I got angry and so did she, so currently my only friends are 1) a boy I've only met through text, 2) a bunch of really amazing people I can't talk to, and 3) my family. The boy isn't much of a talker and I can't text him (Phone shut off x_x), I obviously can't to talk to my amazing friends, and my Family, uh yeah right. They are so going to be the people I want to go to the mall with. NOT.
The problem isn't loneliness though. I can live with it, but I just really miss my main friends there. Conner, Jess, Meg, Bob, and me were inseparable, and at least two of us were always together. We supported each other, we helped each other get out, we helped stop each others tears. We had two main songs we liked to listen to at UNI. One was called "Petals" and it is just a short thing that Meg and I came up with and they had me sing all the time, and the second was a catchy but rather inappropriate rap song. Everyone wanted to read whatever I was currently writing, we were always doing puzzles and playing favorites. This is something we came up with were the first person asks what a single person's favorite something is, and the first person to get it right got to pick someone. We tossed balls back and forth, we played a lot of mini football, we listened to music as much as possible, we talked about our lives outside of Uni, we played card games, and most of all, we knew the most sensitive info about each other and helped each other with it.
Meg was my roommate and one of the most amazing people ever to live. She was fun and silly and really easy to talk to. She helped me write some and she was the one that broke the rules, one time when I was sobbing uncontrollably, and hugged me until the tears stopped. She was really good at cards and loved music.
Conner was a great friend who really supported me and tried to get me to believe in myself. He loved to do odd dances like "Water" and "glow-stick" but it was really cool. He was more into dancing than anything else and he was really funny.
Jess was the person I supported the most. she was really fun and had a lot of good ideas. She could talk for forever and she had really cute style. She was amazing.
Bob. My BEST friend at UNI. I told him everything and he helped me. Everyone has someone standing behind them every step of the way to getting out, whether staff, patient, or doctor. Mine was a patient who really helped me. He was funny about his hair. He had to have it wet and he shook it like a dog. It made us all laugh. He was good at cards, and he was the only person who ever got it right on me when playing favorites. He helped me with puzzles and would be the one telling me to stop lying when I seemed ok but I really wasn't. He made me get out there and help myself. He said a lot of things that I have taken to heart. He is great
Most of all, the people there became like family to me and now when I can't talk to them it feels like a part of my life, a part of my happiness has been ripped away from me and I can't stand it. I missed them so much that I hummed and sang Petals 45 times today and wrote poems about them each. I hope I get to see them eventually because I really love them and They are amazing people. They are the people I wanted to call when me and Kam fought. I just really miss them and really want to see them. I wonder if maybe I shouldn't have let myself get so close to them. Maybe I should have stayed aloof where this not seeing them and not knowing them wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe, I should have never even tried to get to know them, and I shouldn't have let them closer into my life, past the shield I put everyone else outside of. Maybe making friends isn't a good idea for me. I always lose them somehow. Maybe I should never let anyone get close enough to hurt me when I lose them.